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Friday, February 21, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
I Profusely Apologize to Our Russian Comrades About My Impolitic and Plainly Erroneous Comments About Their News Coverage Early This Evening and as aToken of Goodwill Now Post This Important Russian News Story About the Olympics
Actual Russian coverage of the Olympics can be found at the Moscow Times and Pravda. Be warned: Pravda is sort of the Russian equivalent of Fox Nation and apparently has a news feed from an alternate universe.
Today's Olympic Coverage: I am Pretty Sure This is About the Olympics
As reported in The Onion, which is, apparently, the only news source that's been able to leak information not sanitized by the Russian censors out of Sochi Russia:
Delighted Health Insurance Executives Gather In Outdoor Coliseum To Watch Patient Battle Cancer
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Sources confirmed that the stone arena was filled to capacity for the highly anticipated spectacle, with over 90,000 officials attending from providers as far away as WellPoint, Kaiser Permanente, and HCSC to see if the patient could survive an intense, brutal struggle with the advanced stage III illness.
“Today we bring you one of our most thrilling challengers to date: a 57-year-old caucasian male with preexisting high blood pressure and a family history of heart disease,” said Blue Cross Blue Shield CEO Scott Serota from an extravagantly decorated box seat, his booming voice immediately silencing the raucous masses of middle-aged executives. “He holds a privately purchased Aetna PPO with a $400 monthly premium and $1,500 annual deductible, but faces the fight of his life against an aggressive form of multiple myeloma, one of the most ruthless killers known to man.”
“Bring out Aetna member #ABP80424!” Serota continued as the withered patient was wheeled into the sand-filled arena on a small gurney to loud boos and whistles. “Let the battle commence!” ...
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Breaking from The Onion: "U.S. Advances To Women’s Hockey, Hey, Get The Fuck Back Here"
As quoted from America's Finest News Source, The Onion:
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| Not the picture that ran with the story. In fact, not even from the same Olympics |
After surging ahead thanks to first-period goals from Amanda Kessel, Kacey Bellamy, and—what, did seeing the names Amanda and Kacey already make you want to navigate away from this page? Because sources saw your dismissive, misogynistic bullshit coming a mile away before posting this report about a women’s sporting event, even though it involves a team representing the United States of America at the goddamn Olympics.The full report can be found her ... hey it's about women's sports, goddamnit.