Conspiracy Caused American Brains to be Replaced with Pudding

Brain of Ted Nugent. Its removal increased his intelligence.

Recent documents obtained under the Freedom of Information Act reveal that a covert project by the Heritage Foundation and Monsanto secretly turned the brains of millions of Americans into pudding. Most of those affected live in rural areas.

Pudding Brain, or "PB" as it is widely known, is easily detected by examining positive response to triggers like Fox Nation, Rush Limbaugh, and NASCAR racing. Those afflicted with PB also often feel an obsessive need to arm themselves with weapons for no reason whatsoever.

According to scientists, a brain composed of pudding is poor at thinking.

Scientists speculate that PB may have resulted from the ingestion of high amounts of fertilizer laced with hydroxilic acid. Only areas where agricultural supplements are widely used have significant numbers affected with PB.

U.S. counties with the highest number of Pudding Brains are shown in red

The dangers of hydroxilic acid, which also goes by the scientific name μ-oxido dihydrogen, have been well documented for decades. A campaign to ban the substance began in the 1980's but faltered. 

Oddly, those with PB often fear that hydroxilic acid is contaminated with fluoride. According to an unimpeachable source fluoride is a corrosive poison that will produce serious effects on a long range basis.

Hydroxillic acid is also a key ingredient in the manufacture of methamphetamine, a "medicine" popular in areas that also have a high number of Pudding Heads. Scientists have discouraged the use of methamphetamine, however, leading some to believe they are preventing the treatment of those with PB. According to Mehmet Oz, America's rural doctor, rural people should treat themselves with Reiki and berry juice. Dr. Oz was unavailable for comment according to a man behind a curtain, and, indeed, was not even in Kansas anymore.