WASHINGTON—As they scoured the Internet for more juicy details about former CIA director David Petraeus’ affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, Americans were reportedly horrified today upon learning that a protracted, bloody war involving U.S. forces is currently raging in the nation of Afghanistan. “Oh my God, this is terrible,” Allie Lipscomb, 29, said after accidentally stumbling on an article about the war while she tried to ascertain details about what specific sexual acts Petraeus and Broadwell might have engaged in. “According to this, 2,000 American troops have died, 18,000 have been wounded, and more than 20,000 civilians have been killed. Jesus Christ. And it’s been happening for, like, 11 years.” Sources confirmed that after reading a few paragraphs about the brutal war, the nation quickly became distracted by a headline about Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash’s alleged sexual abuse of a 16-year-old boy.Well, I thought we were "in" Afghanistan on a peacekeeping mission. This is very disturbing.
Also recently from The Onion:
- Kim Jong unnamed as the sexiest man alive for 2012. Whoops, I may have misread that. It was Kim Jong-Un named as the sexiest man alive for 2012. Sorry. Of course he was named sexiest man alive.
- "Elmo Admits He's Uncomfortable Working With Gay Puppeteer."
- "Widening Petraeus Scandal Reveals Human Race Has Been Having Sex For 200,000 Years."
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