Bob's Church was, unfortunately, originally built on some inexpensive land over the City's old sewer outflows, leading to some so-called "wags" calling it "The Temple of Stink." This may be why some people are so negative about it. Bob, anyway, said his decision to found a church was because he had an "ecstatic revelation," but some people made fun of this, too. They said his only "ecstatic revelation" was how to make some quick money. Obviously, people are mean that way.
Bob is pretty well known in the City, and, yes, it is true he has had some prior failed businesses. His first was "Bob's Budget Expedition Outfitters," and it was really well known. But it was closed down by the City when survivors were complaining of "inordinately poor materials" and "shoddy workmanship" and that he sold stuff like wands "bereft of any magical traces whatsoever" and other stuff like that. But they didn't mention that the things Bob sold were plainly marked "discount" and "entry level" and stuff like that. Bob also says the stuff he sold was probably misused.
So, undefeated at all, Bob next opened "Bob's Antiquarian Documents and Maps," and that sadly ended really badly, too. Here there were nasty claims about "forgery" and "fraud" and some people said their loved ones went missing somehow or maybe even died by using Bob's documents. Which sounds crazy since documents are just paper and everyone knows that paper isn't deadly even if it's "antiquarian" or whatever. Also, these were supposed to be wall decorations, and people probably misused them.
Anyway, Bob also worked a lot in the real estate business and got sucked into several "bad deals." Some people said that he was selling property that he might not entirely have had the so-called "title" to. These were likely just mix-ups. Another of Bob's real estate businesses that got under a "dark cloud" was a business he had to help people move out of apartments. Then people started claiming he was really forcing them from their low rent apartments by lying about whether they paid rent. Which they had actually paid it, it turns out, and so there were some mistakes. But, anyway, to his credit, Bob has always recovered the City and law getting all over his business and making the hardships he's suffered so much worse.
Since he discovered religion Bob has now moved away from his love of entrepreneurship. He says that at last he truly comprehends the power of pure belief! So, he's become dedicated to telling people about the importance of believing. And he founded the Church to do just that!
The Church is called a really fun place where people can celebrate their beliefs together. I investigated for ORCA, and this is definitely true. There are songs and chants and stomp dancing mixed in with prayers every week. People seem really excited to see you. And the minister who runs things each week (its not Bob because he is obviously pretty busy, but he talked to me), anyway, the minister gives a speech every week where he helps people by really encouraging them about their believing. And they have a special punch that everybody drinks as part of communing. And that punch makes you feel really good and makes you want to believe more, too!
The belief part is called "charisma" and that fills up your heart. And the minister has a lot of charisma. That's why his (or her!) speeches are so good.
One of the things the minister talks about in his (or her!) speeches is about the presence of evil. It turns out a lot of people have evil in their hearts instead of charisma. This comes from having bad spirits or "demons" in you that make you not want to believe. And a lot of people have bad spirits or demons in them and don't believe. This is called possession. The government particularly has got a lot of bad spirits and demons in it, and Bob certainly knows a lot about the government since he had to deal with it so many times.
Anyway, so the Church naturally tells you to keep away from those evil people so the evil demons do not get onto you. And Bob also tries to get the evil demons out of people. He does this very inexpensively based on what it should cost, he told me he might even lose money on it. Bob said he already had some expertise in the dispossessory business, so this was pretty much a straight transition "marketing-wise."
A minister told me that if Bob knows anything, he knows all about the marketing. "Marketing-wise" there are banners all around the City saying, "Only BELIEF gets you into HEAVEN! Bob's Church wants you THERE!" and stuff like that. At first the Church's motto of "Go to HEAVEN at BOB's!" didn't go that well, but now "One Church, One Community, One Chance: BELIEF!" is bringing tons of people in. And, due to Bob's marketing genius, new people can come in for a free dinner and punch after they hear a short presentation about the Church.
Now, the whole thing about belief is that it gets you into Heaven. A lot of people say, "Now, what does the Church believe in?" And it's that belief gets you into Heaven. Everybody knows that really believing in something helps it come true. So really having belief that you can get into Heaven helps you get into Heaven. And that is called faith.
Many people have gods, so they want to know if the Church has gods, and who are they? This is the Church's whole "nondenominational" thing. You can come into Bob's Church even if you started out with different gods. Also, most religions from all over the whole world have their Father God. Yes, this is the Church's God the Father. And God the Father is in charge of Heaven. And when you say you believe, you can also say you believe in the God the Father. Or just "the Father." They're the same thing! God the Father is like the Bob of Heaven.
Then, some people believe in many gods, and some people say they believe in only one god. Now the thing about God the Father is that he can be both! He can just have three parts if you only believe in your one god, or he can be one of the three gods if you believe in many gods. First, there's God the Father who is in charge of Heaven, like I said. Then, God the Father has a son, and he's called the "Son of God." So, the Son of God helps people get to Heaven, like finding their way, telling them the right stuff to do, and all the stuff they need to get there. Now, some people who only believe in one god say the Son of God can't be same as God the Father because they're, you know, a father and a son. But that is not how this works. Then, finally (but not really finally) there's also Charisma, the third god or part-god, which is a Holy Spirit God or which is the belief part of God the Father, and which fills your heart like I mentioned before. And this is either the Father believing in himself being the Father, if you just have your one god, or else another god who is about believing in the Father.
I said "not really finally" because besides the three gods or the one three-part god there's also demons and devils and evil spirits as well as a bunch of kinds of "angels" who help the good god (gods). These all live forever and have super powers like some gods in other religionsdo. But if you believe in just the one god you do not call these "gods."
Now another reason to believe in Heaven so you will go to Heaven is called "The Bet on God." This is very big in the Church. So, maybe you come in without a lot of real strong belief. But then you think, "Hey, if I believe, I could go to Heaven. But if I don't believe, I don't get anything, and maybe I could even go to Hell. So I better believe!" Believing is definitely the safe bet.
Some of those Bob-hating critics I mentioned before don't like this at all. They're like, "What if the gods don't like gambling? What if the God thinks betting on something, like betting on belief, is a sin? What if the gods think believing in them just for the purpose of going to Heaven is insincere? What if the God just wants you to espouse his values and is offended by you just walking around talking about believing in him without doing anything good, because he doesn't actually care whether you believe in him? What if you actually pick the wrong gods to believe in? What if you actually believe in a God who is evil (even if you don't know this because the God is evil), and he rewards your belief by sending you to Hell?" All of that is just very very negative. Everybody knows that god or the gods are good or at least mostly good and want you to believe in them.
Now you might think that running the Church and paying for free marketing meals and all that stuff is very expensive, and it is. That is why Bob has tithing. With tithing people not only help the Church but get a chance to show how much they believe! With tithing you give just 10% of your income to help the Church and prove belief. In fact, Bob usually doesn't even want you to give more than that, unless you're about to die. He just cares that much about Earthly needs. Also, Bob now has Frequent Tither cards to help people. That way after you tithed just 10% five times in a row, the sixth tithing is free!
And that's not all. After a year of tithing, including your frequent tither discounts, you get a big Supporter of the Church Card you can show to people. Then, after three years you get the Black Robe of the Church Apprentice, and after five years you get the Light Blue Robe of the True Helper, after ten the Red Robe of Faith, and after fifteen the White Robe of a Certain Saint. After that you get gold trim on your sleeves. Now, since the Church hasn't been around that long nobody but the ministers has their White Robe of a Certain Saint yet (also you get your white robe, I hear, if you pay for a franchise; Bob's robe, of course, is all Gold). And, also, even if you die before getting your robes, your family can still get them for you by simply making all your tithings still due to get your robes so you don't miss out with your early dying and all.
Bob is also helping the City in big ways! First, he moved the sewers under the Church so they didn't stink up the Church anymore. And the City got all stinky because he didn't "ask permission" before moving them to dump in the dump, which is a dump! Then people started saying he might have developed ties to the underworld because he was fixing the sewers all the way back into the Old Quarter. He's just "engaging in civic improvement," as he's plainly said! And it's obviously very dangerous. His crews have to go in there armed with swords and with magic stuff and magic users and stuff like that, and sometimes they don't even come out for days! Bob just can't get a break although he's probably the most thoughtful person who ever lived.
So, anyway, Bob's Church is now fully accredited, due to just a little to the help by the undersigned, and so it's finally eligible for its tax breaks! Bob's has got a real bright future, and it's probably now really big in Heaven, too, maybe the biggest church there, since so many of its believers are definitely going to Heaven.
Prepared by L. Wittgenstein
Office of Religious and Cultural Affairs
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