Today's Olympic Coverage: Yes! More Curling!

I Profusely Apologize to Our Russian Comrades About My Impolitic and Plainly Erroneous Comments About Their News Coverage Early This Evening and as aToken of Goodwill Now Post This Important Russian News Story About the Olympics

Russia Applauds America's Efforts To Exclude Gay Athletes From Professional Sports

Actual Russian coverage of the Olympics can be found at the Moscow Times and Pravda.  Be warned: Pravda is sort of the Russian equivalent of Fox Nation and apparently has a news feed from an alternate universe.

Today's Olympic Coverage: I am Pretty Sure This is About the Olympics

As reported in The Onion, which is, apparently, the only news source that's been able to leak information not sanitized by the Russian censors out of Sochi Russia:

Delighted Health Insurance Executives Gather In Outdoor Coliseum To Watch Patient Battle Cancer

           *  *  *
Sources confirmed that the stone arena was filled to capacity for the highly anticipated spectacle, with over 90,000 officials attending from providers as far away as WellPoint, Kaiser Permanente, and HCSC to see if the patient could survive an intense, brutal struggle with the advanced stage III illness.

“Today we bring you one of our most thrilling challengers to date: a 57-year-old caucasian male with preexisting high blood pressure and a family history of heart disease,” said Blue Cross Blue Shield CEO Scott Serota from an extravagantly decorated box seat, his booming voice immediately silencing the raucous masses of middle-aged executives. “He holds a privately purchased Aetna PPO with a $400 monthly premium and $1,500 annual deductible, but faces the fight of his life against an aggressive form of multiple myeloma, one of the most ruthless killers known to man.”

“Bring out Aetna member #ABP80424!” Serota continued as the withered patient was wheeled into the sand-filled arena on a small gurney to loud boos and whistles. “Let the battle commence!” ...

Breaking from The Onion: "U.S. Advances To Women’s Hockey, Hey, Get The Fuck Back Here"

As quoted from America's Finest News Source, The Onion:

Not the picture that ran with the story. In fact, not even from the same Olympics

After surging ahead thanks to first-period goals from Amanda Kessel, Kacey Bellamy, and—what, did seeing the names Amanda and Kacey already make you want to navigate away from this page? Because sources saw your dismissive, misogynistic bullshit coming a mile away before posting this report about a women’s sporting event, even though it involves a team representing the United States of America at the goddamn Olympics.

The full report can be found her ... hey it's about women's sports, goddamnit.

How does Santa get Down the Chimney? Science!

Christmas is attendant with many mysteries -- like what the hell does it actually have to do with Jesus Christ? (um, nothing) -- but one important question is why does Santa use the chimney and also how does he use it (well, that's two questions) and why is it important that he's so fat (okay, three questions), but they all have one answer: air pressure.

This does not answer the question of how Santa gets back up the chimney, which I believe is not "by lighting a fire under his butt (that would just flood the house with smoke ... and kill Santa) but by being tethered to magic flying reindeer. 

The World is Now in Color: Calvin & Hobbs

Click for a large image.

Native American Portraits from c. 1905

Below (and after the jump) is a small sampling of a series of great portraits of Native Americans at In Focus, The Atlantic's photography blog.  The full series, posted a few months ago, is worth seeing.

Having Learned We are Publishing Again ...

Leonardo Sagan is now hastily rushing back. Yep, things are really heating up around here.

This is the Kind of World I Want to Live In

Via Kottke. And, as Kottke points out, there are plenty of crazy thing happen in Russia videos out there; none, though, betray much hope for the world or respect for others as this one does.

The Power of Myth

Bill Moyers has put the audio of his famous series of six interviews with anthropologist ethnographer "mythologist" Joseph Campbell online for free. In the series, which was made 25 years ago, Campbell discusses at length (and with broad appeal for many) his theories on the importance of religious stories and myths in all cultures. Campbell, who was greatly influenced by lay biologist and philosopher Ed Ricketts (who also influenced John Steinbeck, Henry Miller, Bruce Ariss, Adelle Davis Henry Miller, Lincoln Steffens and Francis Whitaker) as well as Carl Jung, modern art, Thomas Mann, Hinduism, and Native American culture, believed that myth was ingrained in the "human psyche" and always centered around the trials of a "hero." There's a lot of pop psychology and loose thinking here, but the series is worth listening to nonetheless for its provocative ideas and lovely delivery.

Life on the Ol' Wabash

This, I am given to understand, is how people in Indiana spend their time.

Breaking Dawn Part 2 Won Seven (7) Awards Last Night

Of course, the awards Breaking Dawn" Part 2 won were Razzies. Via Miss Celania.

Jerry Seinfeld Accepting the Award at the Show

I thought Jerry Seinfeld's speech was particularly moving:

Via MetaFilter.

Japanese Bridges

Apropos of nothing particular, pulled from various internet locations at unknown times (and so, sorry, references long lost) -- clicking on the image or "read more" brings up the full set:

I Just Don't Understand

How is this guy not is the hospital?

He hits it here (via Boing Boing):

I Thought This Was Lovely

A kiss should symbolize a harmonic unity in the meeting pair, heart and soul intertwined, and all feelings' scope encompassed.

Via Kottke and found at The Bygone Bureau, a guide to kissing written up and illustrated by Hallie Bateman from journal entries made by her mother "in 1976 when she was seventeen years-old and sitting on a train in europe somewhere."

With drawings as lovely as the words, owing a little to Lynda Berry and James Thurber, and more than a little to a romantic imagination.

Obligatory Valentines Day Message

Is the Asteroid About to Miss Earth an Effect of Global Warming?

Asteroid 2012 DA14 -- which is pretty big -- will be zipping within 17,000 miles of Earth on Friday -- it could even hit some satellites, though the chances of that are slim. A CNN reporter wants to know, though, if it's caused by global warming.  I'm just agog, I tells ya. Agog.

"This one's just going up and above planet Earth." Ok, I officially feel hopeless about all humanity. 

Bill Nye, meanwhile, wants us to understand that it only missed us by 15 minutes. Well, better luck next time, asteroid.

Oh, and Space.com wants us to understand that "space miners" value it at $195 billion. "Space miners"? What is that? Is that like Mole People? There are no "space miners" except in science fiction.  Jezusss.

I'm Putting My Hat in the Ring for Pope

I've given this a lot of thought, and I think I would be a good Pope.

The fact that I am an atheist may be a liability. Okay.

Well, let's not just be a big quitter. This is just a middling PR problem.  You know a lot of other popes have overcome it, and I don't see why I can't, too. What we need here is a good P.R. handler, that's all. That and a good hatchet man. I've heard all the other candidates for pope are communists and Muslims. Like Obama!

Party Recipies!!!

Yes, it's already the Big Day! I can hardly believe it. And, in addition to the traditional celebration of the marriage of Prince Berenguer III and Countess Douce I, I understand an exciting display of sporting prowess is planned!  Here are some ideas on how to feed your inevitable guests!

Rainbow Jell-o

Ingredients:

• 6 ounces each raspberry and lemon jello packages
• 8 ounces cream cheese
• 12 ounces frozens
• rum

Directions:

These are mostly irrelevant
1. Drain juice from a 12-ounce package of frozen raspberries. Discard.
2. Grease a jello mold with butter.
3. Soften cream cheese and whip.

4. Boil 2 1/2 cups water. 

5. Time for rum!

6. Get jello, and when done pour more lemon jello mixture over the top.
7. Let set and then invert onto a plate for presentation.