It's Hanukkah! (Here's What Not to Get Me)

The Hebrew characters for Hanukkah/Chanukah 

So, on Hanukkah (or Chanukah, you pick) we celebrate the fact that after the Syrians and Greeks under evil king Seleucus, who was the son of not quite as evil king Antiochus III who had captured Israel from the Egyptian Pharaoh Ptolemy but then lost to the Romans and had to pay tribute, were rebuffed when Seleucus sent his minister Helyodros to steal the gold from the Temple but then Helyodros had a vision of God and so would not go into the Temple, so then Seleucus died, though he's the namesake of the Seleucid empire, and his super evil brother Antiochus IV took over and he got rid of the High Priest of the Temple and replaced him with one stooge after another in an attempt to make the Jews be like Greeks, but then the Jews thought Antiochus IV was dead even though he was in Egypt and so the Jews rebelled, and when Antiochus IV got back and he was really p.o.'d so he had tons of Jews murdered and burned the Torah and tried to make the remaining Jews worship false idols (and Hannah's seven sons were murdered in front of Hannah by Antiochus IV after they refused to renounce God and then she killed herself), but the Jews resisted, and then in the village of Modin the Jew Mattityahu and his sons and friends murdered Seleucid soldiers who tried to get them to convert to pagan beliefs, leading Mattityahu and co. to flee to the hills of Judea where they began a rebellion, but then Mattityahu died so the rebelling Jews were led by Mattityahu's sons Judah Macabees in warfare and Shimon the Wise for other stuff, and then over two years they wiped out three separate attacks by Antiochus IV, ultimately beating over 40,000 Seleucid soldiers, so then the Maccabees, which is what they called themselves then, went to Jerusalem and they kicked Seleucid butt there, too, but their golden menorah had been stolen so they made another not so fancy one yet they only had one day of sacred olive oil available but MIRACULOUSLY the menorah stayed lit for eight days until they got some more sacred olive oil, which is why we now eat delicious foods cooked in olive oil like latkes.^* Also there's the candle thing.

Fortunately, there's been no trouble in the Middle East since then, so that brings us to the presents. Now when I said "we" above I meant everybody everywhere since no one should ever be deprived of presents, particularly me. And on Hanukkah you get eight days of presents. Which is awesome.

Traditionalists would argue that Hanukkah gifts are supposed to be gelt, which is gold or chocolate that looks like gold, and if it's real gold you're supposed to give it to charity, but I'm not a traditionalist but an American. Also I'm not Jewish. So I'm going to go with the tradition that you can get give any kind of gift, like at Christmastime.

So that brings up the question of what to give, which is really the whole purpose of this post. What we really need to know is what not to give, since otherwise you can give anything. And, fortunately, I have found a website for what not to give. You'll want to read it; it's a good time.

And, as a bonus, you can also use that website to determine what not to get me for Christmas, too.

^* A couple of notes here. 
First, I am not sure where the potatoes in latkes come in since they're a New World food and did not exist in the Middle East or anywhere outside of South America until the 16th century CE. It seems doubtful that you could believe that the Maccabees ate potatoes unless you're a Mormon and believe Jews lived in the Americas at one time.
Second, during Hanukkah it is also traditional to eat cheese. I do know, more or less, where this comes from: it comes from the story of Judith and Holoferens, which Catholics and Eastern Orthodox believe is inspired by God and protestants and Jews do not as it is included in the Septuagint but not in the Tanakh. Still, the story is sometimes incorporated into the Hanukkah story. In sort, Judith saved a town by seducing the Assyrian general Holoferens with cheese and wine, and when he was asleep she cut off his head. So there's the cheese. Wine is standard with everything. But why would an Assyrian (Babylonian) general be involved in the dispute between the Maccabees and the Seleucid Greek-Syrians? It's wrong geographically by hundreds of miles as well as historically by hundreds of years. He wasn't. The reason it's mixed up is that the name of the Babylonian/Assyrian king Nebuchadnezzer is sometimes mixed up with the main bad guy in the Hanukkah story, king Antiochus IV. Besides giving us cheese during Hanukkah, the story of Judith and Holoferens is critical for giving us awesome Renaissance art celebrating female empowerment. 
Third, apparently there's some serious scholarship that the revolt of the Maccabees -- which is a real thing that did happen -- did not result from intolerance of the Seleucid Greek-Syrians (who were tolerant generally of many different religious practices), but arose from a civil war between Helenized Jews and those who had not been Helenized, a war which the Seleucids attempted to end. If so, it's reminiscent of the modern disputes between the Ashkenazim and Sephardi as to tradition. That many Hanukkah traditions seem to be Ashkenazi in origin might be ironic since the Ashkenzim are the more "Helenized" Jews, but, you know, whatever.